Chicago is a beautiful city! I absolutely love it!
We stayed at a hotel five minutes away from my parents' friends' condo. They served us the most wonderful food. Their home looked like something out of a catalogue. Every piece of furniture matched and was placed in a precise location. Even better, they had an orange theme going on!
For dinner, we had lobster bisque, lobster potato salad, sauteed crab, soft-shell crab, Vietnamese spring rolls with Thai peanut butter sauce, smoked cod, green tea-flavored sticky cakes with red bean filling, and a three-layer green tea cake soaked in liquor and brandished with dollops of freshly whipped cream. We drank home-squeezed grape juice from wine glasses. Everything was delicious. The next morning, for breakfast, we had sticky rice with pork, petite oatmeal cookies topped with this special kind of Chinese fruit, and baked sweet potato. We each got a mug of coffee, and Yang Ying (the lady) drew cute pictures on top of the foam with melted chocolate!
Taste of Chicago, an annual event, was going on downtown. You pay $12 for a strip of food tickets and go around to all of the little stands, where you decide what you want to eat. Every single food item is worth a certain number of tickets. I had spinach pizza (mm, Chicago-style deep dish pizza is so good!), corn on the cob, lamingtons, fried catfish, Vienna sausage, lamb gyro, and berry gelato.
We went to two other families' homes. They lived in condos with lakeview fronts worth over a million. Gosh. I met their daughter at dinner (we went to a restaurant in Chinatown), and she really intimidated me. She spoke perfect Chinese, attended boarding school (tution over $40,000 a year), was planning on going to Georgetown, and acted like such an adult! It was like...she knew she was going to be rich and successful one day. It made me think - maybe I should work harder in school. Maybe I should wear designer brands. Maybe I should keep my room super neat. Maybe I should scheme ideas on how to make big bucks. Maybe I should strive to be prodigy-like, or as close as I can get. Maybe I should climb to the top of the social ladder...
Then I thought, nah. Too much work. My strong suits lie elsewhere. I'll be great one day too, but in a different way!
I got to visit Northwestern University. The campus is really pretty. Lake Michigan is so gorgeous! We took a boat ride out there. The water is so blue - I lose myself just staring out at the rippling waves. Maybe if I do well enough at Chapel Hill, Northwestern will accept me for grad school? Speaking of Chapel Hill, I just checked my financial aid reevaluation status and YAY! They've given me a lot of grants! And I'm eligible for their work-study program! Now my dad can stop bugging me about money! Hehe, I'm so happy!
Along the shore of Lake Michigan were a bunch of stones that formed a rock wall. Almost every stone had something painted on it. One of them said True Love Never Dies. Most of them dealt with love. Peoples' initials linked by plus signs, encircled by crooked hearts; insiders, reminders, and phrases that spelt out nostalgic memories. The rock wall really touched me. I walked by it slowly, admiring the layers of chipped old paint and fresh new paint. I would have loved to write something on one of the stones, if there were still any blank ones left.
People love to leave their mark don't they? Whether it's changing the world, or altering the surface of a stone.
- Mood:
impressed
Life has been steady. My dad's birthday was on Saturday. I got him tennis wear. Then on Sunday I took him out to lunch for Father's Day. I said farewell to Brecia on Monday. The picnic had been really fun. It gave me an opportunity to catch up with George. He's a lot different now, and we no longer bicker 24/7 on miscellaneous things like ethics and global warming.
On Tuesday I hung out with Eugene and Bradley. Eugene gave me back my N64, my birthday present, and was acting sort of sentimental. I guess it was because he was leaving for Asia the next day. But still, it was very unlike him.
Kelsey and I made a list of what we were going to bring to Chapel Hill at Borders on Wednesday.
I went to Super Wal-Mart for the first time today. They have these giant cookies for a dollar. I kind of wanted one, but I had just eaten lunch and was full. Oh! I had a laughing fit at work today. Shaina and Sara were there, so I exclaimed, "Ooh! It's like...the triple S's!"
"The triple asses!?" Kevin's eyes went wide.
"Huh? What? No! S's! Triple S's!" And then I started laughing and couldn't stop. My belly ached afterwards.
Then later Shaina said to Kevin, "I need to print something out at your house."
"You're going to piss off at my house?"
"Ahahahahahahahaha!" Uh oh. There I went again. Another laughing fit. Gosh, I think Kevin needs hearing aid. And I think I need depressant pills so I can calm down.
Laughing fits can be dangerous - people might think you're psycho. Whenever I remember something funny I tend to laugh out loud. Once, we had been taking a test during school and I finished early. So I started daydreaming like I usually do, and recalled a hilarious memory. I wanted to burst out laughing but obviously that wouldn't have been the appropriate thing to do. I mean, imagine this - a totally silent classroom save for pencils scratching against paper, and all of a sudden Sophia starts laughing like a crazy banshee. No. Just no.
So I had to hold in my laughter. I literally had to take my hands and cover my mouth and rest my head on my desk. Then I started shaking with silent laughter. It was like trying to keep water from spilling out of a boiling kettle. And oh my gosh it was so painful! I felt like I was going to burst. I bit my tongue and forced myself to think unhappy thoughts - only then could I regain my composure.
The thing is, this has happened several times to me. Sigh. Let me tell you - an oncoming laughing fit in the middle of a quiet setting is the worst. Because after having to endure the agony of suppressing those urges, you're left feeling like a total weirdo/loser.
- Mood:
amused
"Hello Sophia? If you're still in the mall, would you mind coming back for an interview?"
I guess the manager must have returned. Wow! What a fast response!
Before I knew it, I was wearing a red cap and apron, and learning how to make crepes. Two-hour orientation. I told my friends to leave without me, and that I would find another ride back home.
The only other person working there was a twenty-two-year-old guy named Chase. He helped show me where everything was and taught me how to make crepe batter.
"I need someone quick on their feet. Spontaneous. Who doesn't just stand there and do what they're told. Someone who sees what needs to be done and does it," the manager told me.
"Ahah...I think I can do that," I said, forcing a smile.
Now why did I say that? What was I thinking? I am such a bad worker! My hands aren't steady. I'm slow. I hardly pay attention. I forget things. I make tons of mistakes.
"We're technically not allowed to hire anyone under eighteen," said the manager, "but oh well."
I watched tons of people stop by to apply.
"Why isn't he hiring any of them?" I whispered to Chase.
"Well, he wanted a girl, who's really upbeat and friendly. And he's extremely picky."
I started panicking a little. I have this fear about disappointing people. Soon the manager would see how incompetent I was.
But then I made my first real crepe, and it turned out all right, so I felt a lot better. But then the manager assumed I was going to work full-time, and I started panicking again.
Hm...should I take the job at the crepe stand? I'm afraid it might take up too much of my time. I really miss lazy summers and feeling bored. I'm always doing something, which is nice, but sometimes I'd rather do nothing.
I was free to go at 4:30. It turned out that Peter, Heysel, and Khiem had been waiting for me this whole time. I felt bad. They dropped me off back at my house, and Heysel pulled out a Wet Seal bag.
"What's this?" I blinked at her.
"Your birthday present." She pointed at Peter and Khiem and mouthed the words, "Their idea."
Ah! Why are they so nice to me? I feel like I'm not being a good enough friend. Okay, I should probably run now. I'm already late for the picnic thing I'm supposed to go to.
I was the very last person to have their name called. I expected silence, but instead a lot of people applauded for me! I was very shocked. It sounded like I had family there! Then that applause transitioned into EVERYONE applauding. I beamed. I know this sounds silly, but I pretended the whole coliseum was clapping and cheering for me - I suppose that's one good thing about being a Zhang.
I kept embarrassing myself. When I first entered the stadium, Cameron, one of the junior marshals, wacked his stick with the list of all the names across the back of my head, so I just stayed next to him. We talked for a bit and then I zoned out. Finally, everyone else in our group showed up and he started passing out name cards.
"Where is mine?" I asked.
"Hannah has it," he said, pointing.
"WHAT!? I thought YOU were my junior marshal!"
"Uh...no. Hannah is."
"All this time I was waiting beside you because I thought..."
"Really? I thought you wanted to talk to me! Oh, I see how it is!"
I scurried off, thoroughly embarrassed.
The Indian girl I had sat next to in rehearsal said to me, "I was wondering why you were standing over there. I thought you were talking to somebody, but you kept staring at the wall."
I laughed. "Eheh...I...a misunderstanding."
Then as I was walking across the coliseum to get to the stage I passed by Mrs. T, Mrs. Regen, and Ms. Taylor. All of them seemed to be laughing at me. The Indian girl turned around and started laughing at me too.
"What?" I frowned.
"Your cap is so crooked!"
She helped me fix it. Luckily I had it on straight before I had to walk across the stage. That would have been even more embarrassing.
Then at the end as I threw my cap into the air with everyone else, I lost both of my tassels. Darn it! My National Honor Society plus my 2009 tassels are forever gone!
I had a red and silver cord around my neck for debate and a white stole on for National Honor Society. I totally clashed. Eh...
Afterwards my parents and I had dinner at Blackfinn. It was the first time my mom went to the Epicenter. She kept complaining the whole time and gave the poor waiter an especially hard time. Her and my dad wouldn't stop arguing. Gosh, they're always like that. All I want for my future husband and me is to be compatible. I don't want to end up like my parents, who can't stand each other.
"This food is crap!" She kept muttering.
So I pretended not to be hungry and gave her all of my fries, because they were really delicious. Extra crispy - I knew she would like them. And she did! She ate them all.
Sigh. I don't think my mom realizes how hard I try sometimes to make her happy.
I was looking at the Commencement booklet. My name has six symbols by it - that's the most any name has! The six symbols represent: National Honor Society, Charlotte-Mecklenburg Scholars, North Carolina Scholars, Presidential Scholars, AP Scholar Candidates, and IB Diploma Candidates.
The strange thing is I don't know what half of those things mean! I know I'm a part of National Honor Society and that I'm an IB student. But the rest...WHAT!? Maybe they made a mistake? I don't know. The other people who had those six symbols by their names are all extremely smart. Way smarter than me. So I don't know what is going on.
Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter. I'm just glad to be done with high school!
- Mood:
exhausted
It is almost four o' clock and I'm still in my pajamas. I don't think I'm going to get out of them for the rest of the day. Actually, after I finish typing this I might just go back to bed.
I thought I would keep the party small. I figured only ten people would show up. Instead, over twenty guests appeared at my house. Thank goodness I ordered seven pizzas. There was not a single slice left! And I only had one! But that was okay, because I went to Adam's surprise graduation party earlier that day and I had already had pizza, plus a hot dog, and chicken wings.
People were either upstairs playing Super Smash Bros or downstairs playing DDR. Or eating, or playing cards, or just sitting around and chatting. Typical party scene. I jumped from group to group trying to hang out with everyone for at least a little bit. I haven't hosted a party in years, and I wanted everyone to have a good time. What is ironic is that during the party, I actually ended up talking to a few people who were going through some sad times and trying to be of some help. I didn't mind at all though; it actually made me feel closer to them!
I could tell there was a little bit of tension building between Yvonne and Chris, but every time I went over to talk to them, they would look at me with beaming faces and smile. I was really touched that they were trying their hardest to make this a great night for me. Chris interacted with everyone and was so alive at the party. And Yvonne got really loud towards the end, which made me breathe a sigh of relief, hehe. My heart really went out to them - they're such wonderful people.
I felt like a lot of people were...I don't know...coddling me.
Syrena took pictures the whole time. "I'm going to be your photographer tonight!" She said.
That was really thoughtful of her. I had totally forgotten about pictures! It seemed like every other minute she was snapping away with the camera. What a nice thing to do!
Kelsey brought so much stuff! The DDR pads and disc, an extra gamecube controller for Smash, and Spirited Away. I felt guilty for making her lug all of that stuff to my house. I will be eternally grateful to her for doing that!
"What are you doing Sophia? Let me help you. Go enjoy your party."
Everyone seemed to be saying that to me. Not letting me do anything. Why were they being so nice?
"Think of it as good karma," a couple of people said.
I guess...they must really care. I guess they believe I deserve all of this - I remember thinking. The whole time I had been a little awestruck. The world looked so new and so different. Maybe I'm just easily touched...but the kindness had been overwhelming. In a good way. Even the people who had been unofficially invited - they were treating me with equal genuineness - and it felt like they were old friends of mine.
"Come play another round of DDR with me!" said Kelsey.
"Okay!"
"Wow, you're really good Sophia," exclaimed Wesley.
"What? No I'm not! You're way better!"
I was wondering why he was standing beside me the whole time commenting on how great I was at DDR when I was making all of those mistakes. When the song finally ended, I turned around, and my mouth nearly dropped.
The lights were off. A couple of the guys were holding the cake in front of me, eighteen candles set up in a perfect circle around the Hello Kitty picture, burning quietly, like a soft, orange halo. Twenty something voices sang in unison, "Happy birthday to you..."
I blew them out, and everyone cheered.
"You guys! That was so cute!" I giggled.
So the DDR thing had been a distraction. Wow. I hadn't even realized...I guess I am a little slow. Haha.
Most people left around 11:00-11:30.
Yvonne, Kelsey, Sarah, and Jessica slept over. Angie had planned on sleeping over too, but then she got an allergic reaction and had to go home. Yvonne took Chris home and then came back for the sleepover. That had amazed me. As well as her joint present with Angie. They had gotten me dorm things from IKEA that were so beautiful and so me. All of it fit into the HUGEST birthday bag. I had never received anything so big or wonderful for my birthday before!
We watched Spirited Away. Even though I've seen it multiple of times before, this was the first time I really got it. I now know why it is such a beautiful movie. It is because of all of the morals it teaches. Treat everyone with kindness, listen to your heart, don't complain, stay positive, believe in yourself...all of those cliches that are so important and true. I really admire Chihiro; I think she is my new...hm...animated role model.
In the morning Yvonne woke me up to say she had to go but wanted to say goodbye before she left.
I was still bleary-eyed so I almost thought she was an illusion.
"I helped myself to cake and milk," she said.
Somehow I was overcome with emotion. Everything she had done for me...I really wanted to cry. I felt like I didn't deserve any of it, and I know people are always yelling at me to stop feeling that way...but it's true. I can't help it. When people are this kind to me I feel so...I can't even explain it. And especially in this case. As I reached over to hug Yvonne, I told her thank you, but I wanted to say so much more. There weren't enough words for me to express everything that I was feeling though; I really hoped she could tell how much I appreciated all that she'd done.
I just realized that this is the first real birthday party I've ever had. In the past they had always been small or plain. Growing up as a little girl, I had always wanted a real Thanksgiving, a real Christmas, a real birthday party...but I used to be antisocial (haha) and didn't have that many friends. Oh gosh, that sounded so sad. I wanted a big cake, lots of friends to surround me as I blew the candles out, all of that silly birthday stuff.
And I finally got that experience. Last night had been perfect. This may sound odd, but I felt strangely vulnerable the entire time. Like I had been born the day before. I felt super sappy. And super emotional. Now I know why. I had never had a real birthday before - until yesterday. Am I being pathetic? I feel a little pathetic, haha! Oh well, I'm just happy for everything and immensely grateful. I'll stop being overly sentimental now and go to sleep. Otherwise I'm just going to keep rambling on, and that wouldn't be good.
- Mood: thankful
I started the process of cleaning my room today.
My mom made this lovely dessert. It's a Beijing specialty. Chopped up sweet potato drizzled over in carmelized sugar. When you use your chopsticks to take a piece of sweet potato, the sugar strings out like wispy spider webs in the air. You have to eat it fast, before it hardens.
My third grade teacher mailed me a letter I had written to my future self. I was such a weird eight-year-old girl. I had drawn a picture of Jigglypuff, my favorite Pokemon back then. And I had written a lot about aliens.
Now I'm reading the letter my nine-year-old cousin Yiran had written me.
"I will miss you when I go back to Alabama, but I will come back soon. I hope you will have a great time in college! Just don't forget your cousin, ME! You're a good cousin, I really wish if your were my sister, hehe! And thanks for taking me everywhere!"
For a nine-year-old that is pretty good!
The Charlotte Symphony Orchestra concert was enjoyable. Lately I've been in the mood for classical music. And mochi ice cream.
I read The Dandelion Girl. I thought it was a beautiful short story. If I could time travel I would relive several moments that have happened this past year.
Yesterday Hing treated me to ice cream at Rita's. We both got a gelati; those things are so good! Mine was passion fruit with vanilla and chocolate custard on top!
Afterwards we stopped by Adam's house, where we hung out for a while, and then I took Hing home.
The whole day had gone by without a problem. I was proud of myself for not slipping. When I told Hing I was fine, I had meant it.
I was fine this morning too. I had breakfast with Jack, Jordan, and Syrena at IHOP. Mm, the butterscotch pancakes I ate were delicious! Jordan and Syrena signed my yearbook in the car, and after I dropped Jordan off at his house, I took Syrena back to hers and stayed for a while. We talked for an hour, and then I left. After making a quick deposit at the bank, I read what Syrena had written in my yearbook and was overcome with memories and joy. I drove home feeling just fine.
But then things were not fine. I slipped. Again. I cried. Again. My head and heart hurt so bad that all I wanted to do was fall asleep and escape reality.
Around 4:30 I put on my work uniform and told myself to snap out of it. I walked into Toyama with a big smile on my face and everything was fine again. Kevin was there, and he actually stayed an extra hour just to hang out with me. I hadn't asked him to stay and I felt bad because his shift had already ended at five, but he insisted on staying.
"It's no problem!" He kept saying. "What am I going to do at home anyway?"
So we organized carry-out bags, took turns answering the phone, and talked and talked.
"I'm rooming in Ehringhaus," I told him.
"Hey! That's right across from my dorm!" He said. "We can cross the street and visit each other!"
"Yeah!"
He said he would show me around Chapel Hill and that he would take me to the bubble tea there. He also promised to take me to this awesome Vietnamese restaurant, and to this other awesome Thai restaurant. I became really excited as we made plans for the upcoming school year.
The owner's daughter came in. I had never talked to Shaina that much before. I had gone to bubble tea once with Sara, his other daughter.
"Do you run a lot?" I asked Shaina. I had overheard her telling Kevin she had just finished jogging.
"Yeah! Do you want to run together some time? What's your number? I'll give you a call Sunday."
At first I was taken aback by her invitation, but then I grinned and scribbled my cell phone number on a piece of scrap paper and handed it to her. "Sure! But it's going to be sooo embarrassing when you leave me behind - I used to run but not anymore!"
"No, no. I haven't been running in a while either!"
Kevin and Shaina had put me in a good mood, and after they left, I tried to preserve those positive feelings. To keep myself occupied when there weren't customers, I would read parts of The Secret Life of Bees.
Khiem and his brother and Peter and Heysel came in, which made me really happy. Whenever the line died down, I would dart over to their table, talk for a few seconds, spot an incoming customer, and rush back behind the counter. As they were leaving, I smiled and waved goodbye. Khiem gave me a weird look - there was worry in his eyes. But then the four of them were gone, and I chose to forget that gaze.
A while later the phone rang.
"Toyama Express. How may I help you?"
"I need to speak to Sophia."
"Uh, this is her."
"I have a complaint about my order."
"Who is this!?"
"I have a complaint about my order. I wanted eight spring rolls, not four!"
"Khiem?"
"No, I'm that Indian guy who came in earlier."
"KHIEM!"
"Okay, okay, it's me. Are you okay? You looked kind of sad when we left."
"I did? But I was smiling!"
"I know, but..."
"Oh no! I was trying so hard to look happy."
"Crap! I have to go; my dad. I'll call you later."
I got drenched as I ran to my car after work. It was raining really hard. Five minutes after I returned home, an unknown number called my phone.
"Hello?" I said.
"Hey."
"Khiem?"
"No, who's Khiem?
"KHIEM!"
"Okay, okay, it's me."
Wow, deja vu.
"I got a bad vibe from you earlier. Your happiness seemed...fake."
"You have good intuition."
"If it's a guy, I can go beat him up."
I laughed. "It is a guy, but I would rather you not beat him up." I told him, "I rarely get sad. I only get sad when something major happens."
"But you're Sophia! When people look at you, they think: clear blue sky, sunshine, and clouds. You are happiness."
I blinked. "Wow...thanks?"
Talking to Khiem actually made me feel a lot better. A lot of people have been making me feel better. I am so grateful for everyone's support and kindness. Without my wonderful friends, I would probably be crying a lot more.
There are still moments when I zone out and the sadness washes over me like a wave. But those moments are replaced just as quickly with happy ones. I'm not saying the sadness is going to go away any time soon. When I think of what could have been and how deeply I am still in love with him, I get a little sad. The flashbacks don't help either. But what else can I do? I wish things were different but he isn't going to change, and I can't make him. The tears come; I wipe them away. The memories sting; I force myself to smile harder. Life goes on; eventually I'll have to move on.
All I can do is try to be happy.
Haha, at least he's learned that much.
In a way I'm really proud of him.
"You have to be mentally tough Sophia. Look at the tennis players in the French Open!" (Urgh, always relating everything back to tennis).
I took a sip of tea and didn't say anything.
"They're almost all equally matched in skill," my dad continued, "so the winner is whoever is mentally tougher."
I set my tea down. He had a point. I blinked, surprised. That was the best piece of advice my dad has ever given me. Mentally tough. Yeah. I had to be mentally tough. I could do that.
I spent the whole day with Eugene. We folded clothes at the Salvation Army, and we did a lot of catching up.
"Don't worry Eugene! I'll give you unconditional positive regard!" I had said.
"You already do."
For some reason that statement really touched me.
Afterwards he came over and we played Super Smash Bros. I made him sign my yearbook. I felt a little bad, because every now and then I would zone out, and he would either chuck a pillow at me or shake me.
"Ow!" I said, after he threw yet another pillow at me.
"You really love him, huh?" Eugene asked, frowning.
I chose not to respond and just looked down at my feet.
After that we sat on my bed and talked for a while. He wanted to borrow my Nintendo 64, and I said it was fine. I also gave him his very belated Christmas present.
"We're going to hang out a lot this summer, right?" He asked.
"Yeah," I replied. "It'll be just like old times!"
After he left I was without anything to do, and I started crying. Gosh, what a baby. But then Amy called to check up on me, and I brightened up.
"Chapel Hill posted their rooming information!" She informed me.
I checked mine. Kelsey and I are going to be living in Ehringhaus. I talked to her a little bit over the phone, and she read me the description. Ehringhaus. Does that not sound like something out of Harry Potter!?
Around 8:30 PM Brecia came over and brought me a whole tub of Ben & Jerry's. She cheered me up so much. She said the funniest things and made me laugh. It was the first time I had felt genuinely happy that day.
I felt like one of those silly preppy girls you see in movies who cry and eat ice cream after a bad breakup. Except I was laughing and eating ice cream, not crying. And it felt really good!
While Brecia signed my yearbook, I fell asleep. I think I even drooled a little onto my pillow. Ew!
This morning I woke up and the first thing I did was read her yearbook message. It was so sweet! I was (and still am) beyond grateful for her kindess. I can't believe how lucky I am to have a friend like her!
There is still a little bit of Ben & Jerry's left. I think I'm going to eat the rest of it for breakfast. And who's going to stop me? No one! Ahahaha!
Right. I think I'm going to log off now.
- Mood:
touched
I just don't have the energy.
Brecia texted me. I feel bad because I promised I would go to Senior Awards. I hate going back on my promises.
Kelsey called, asking if I was okay.
"People do have the potential to change," she said. "Just not everyone chooses to. What you did, Sophia, was really admirable. At least you tried. In a just world this wouldn't have happened to you. Someone like you doesn't deserve this."
At least I tried. Yeah. Maybe someday I'll try again.
Come on. I have to pull myself together. I think I'm okay? I don't know. Too numb to tell. Smile. Please. At the very least, smile.
8:56
I feel sick.
- Mood:
sad
It's amazing how much can change within the course of a few days.
I'm so glad she told me the truth. The shock of it all was overwhelming. I ended up sobbing uncontrollably for nearly an hour. My parents and little cousin were freaking out. They kept asking me what was wrong, telling me they had never seen me like this before, comforting me. But I just kept crying and muttering things like, "I'm so stupid. I can't believe I let my guard down. I really wanted to think he was a good person."
I had such high hopes for him. Despite all of the pain he's caused me, I chose to stick with him because I believed in him so much. I thought he would change - and for a while I really thought he had. A couple of months ago, none of this would have mattered. But because I was slowly starting to trust him more and more this is a big deal. And I'm so hurt and disgusted with myself. Thank God I didn't let myself fall completely. Intuition told me not to. Glad I listened. I don't think I would be able to live with myself if I had...ugh.
So this is what all of the realists were trying to warn me about. So this is what reality is like. So this is where optimism and empathy gets you. I feel so used and ashamed. But mostly stupid. I actually feel sorry for myself. All I wanted was to bring out the goodness in him, to be happy, to keep things simple. I never asked for much.
He is a horrible person. At times it is hard to believe because he is so nice and sweet. But the things he has done are unforgivable. I am so completely repulsed by him, and so, so sad. Things were just starting to look up. I was finally letting myself go. And then this happens.
You said my happiness pissed you off. You said you wanted to break me down. You said you wanted to watch me fall.
Well, here. Hope you're satisfied now. You just lost someone who really loved you. Who you could have been happy with. If only you had been genuinely trustworthy and had let it show, if only you hadn't been such a stupid horny bastard - things would be so different right now. Our worlds would be a lot warmer. Almost perfect.
I hope you've learned a lot from this, because I certainly have. I understand now why you're so closed. You have so many skeletons in your closet. Opening up might cause them to all spill out.
One day you're going to realize you've made an awful mistake. Maybe then you'll finally take the liberty to change. Become the good person I always thought you were. No one can live like this forever, unless you plan on dying sad and alone. Grow up. Until then, try not to hurt anyone else. You've done enough damage to enough people.
At bubble tea so many people called, asking if I was okay. Apparently they saw my Facebook status and were all extremely worried about me. I was surprised to receive that many texts and phone calls. I felt instantaneously better. At least my friends are here for me. I have people who care about me. It's going to take a while for me to heal from this, but right now I've reverted back to feeling numb. I literally feel nothing. Maybe all of the crying and talking has worn me out.
Khiem and his group of friends had been at bubble tea too, and they kept interrupting my conversation, and tried to get me to help them with their math homework. Amy called, which was a huge surprise, and she was being so kind and sympathetic. The moment I got home, Andy called and spent an hour consoling me.
"I should have listened to you," I said. "You were right. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I'm glad you realized the truth though. Now you know who your true friends are. I'm always going to watch out for you. You're a smart girl. You're going to meet thousands and thousands of guys in college."
I checked my Facebook wall. Khiem had left a post saying he was sorry he had interrupted my conversation at bubble tea. When he got home he had read my status and realized I must have been talking about something important. Reading his comment made me feel a lot better. It's nice to know that there are people out there who are good, and who really do care.
I'm so tired. The birds are beginning to chirp. I'm not going to be able to make it to Senior Awards tomorrow. And I wouldn't want to bring anyone down with me.
This is my own fault. I'll deal with it alone.
Still, I hope he finds happiness one day.
- Mood: crushed
I had a dream I got fired from Toyama and started bawling because it made me think I was incapable of keeping a job.
So I was really paranoid going to work yesterday; every time I saw my manager I would cringe and try to look busy, even when there weren't any customers around.
There's a new guy at Toyama. His name is Kevin. I'm used to seeing Ling's face on Thursdays. Usually I take her spot and we chat for a while and then she leaves. I had forgotten she quit. Turns out Kevin goes to Chapel Hill. I told him I was enrolling in the fall and we both laughed over the coincidence.
Going out-of-state would have been amazing, but I'm slowly starting to warm up to the idea of Chapel Hill. Convenience. Cheap. I'm sure I'll meet a lot of new friends there. Plus, every time someone asks me where I'm going and I reply back, "Chapel Hill" they go, "Oh! You're a smart one!"
I used to give them a quizzical look and think to myself, really!?
But now I just smile proudly. Because...eh...why not.
The Mexicans were really hyper yesterday. One of them hits on me every time I work there. I still don't know his name, so I'll just call him Mr. Mexican. So anyway, Mr. Mexican always says the cheesiest things, and he tells me, "I love you" and "you're beautiful", and jokes around incessantly - "I'm going to marry Sophia." It freaks me out a little, and I usually try to dismiss him in the nicest way possible.
He reached over and held my hand yesterday, which was weird. And commented on how soft it was. Even weirder. Then he asked if I had a boyfriend.
"Yes," I said right away, surprising myself. Wait - what? Back in February he had asked the same question and I had said, "No." I looked down at my shoes, a wave of different emotions washing over me at once. Mainly disbelief and...something else. "Yes," I repeated, more confidently this time. "Uh huh, I do!"
Then I walked back to the cash register, ignoring the mournful cries that were coming from Mr. Mexican. I looked out the glass windows of the restaurant and watched car after car drive by and smiled.
- Mood:
thoughtful
Kelsey slept over last night and we played a lot of Super Smash Bros. Haha. I really want to beat that Space Emissary Mode thing - is that what it's called? I don't know, but we're 50% of the way through. (Took us forever).
Yvonne came over a little before 12. We decided to go explore the Epicenter! There's a lot of cool stuff there. We went inside a fudge shop and the guy asked if we were visiting because I was holding a camera. I guess that made us look touristy. He offered to take a picture of us, which was nice.
We pretended we were lounging and sat on one of the orange plush chairs on the top floor. We also went inside the movie theatre, which was super fancy. I bet we looked kind of strange, wandering around, staring at everything in awe, and touching things...The bowling alley was nice too. And we went inside nearly all of the restaurants in the vicinity and asked to look at their menus.
Finally we decided on this casual Italian place and split a pasta. Yvonne opened her present and read my card. Then we browsed through this little boutique shop that was very cute.
I love the Epicenter! One of these days I'm going to come back and watch a movie! Or lounge in that fancy coffee shop (I forget the name) and pretend I work for a big corporate office and that I'm on break. I also want to try that Indochine Grill place. It looks yummy. Maybe I'll come back during the night when all of the flashy lights are on.
Ahh! Exploring downtown Charlotte is always so much fun! I feel like I'm going to The City in Animal Crossing or something. Except there are a lot of creeps downtown. Weird guys kept staring at us. Eek!
Oh, and Yvonne if you are reading this...
I LOVE YOU AND HOPE HAPPINESS FINDS YOU EVERYDAY FOR THE REMAINDER OF YOUR EIGHTEENTH YEAR OF LIVING. I MEAN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
- Mood: cheerful
I went to second period feeling quite dejected. The world looked so bleak and sad. And I was beginning to question everything I had ever believed in - especially love. Reality had hit hard this time. I saw myself as a separate entity and watched as she trudged to class with her orange bag slung over her shoulder, eyes on the ground - tired and unfocused - and I felt very sorry for this poor girl who had woken up this clear May morning, her entire concept of life and what it meant rearranged.
I had trouble concentrating during Psychology. I really screwed up my quiz. For triangulation I listed the CEGMAET stuff instead of DTMI. For nearly an hour and a half I tuned in and out of the lecture. I bet I looked pretty out-of-it. Then Ms. Norfleet started going over each perspective in order: Psychodynamic, Behaviorism, Cognitive, and Humanistic.
"What is the meaning of life?" She said. "Freud would say love. Love is what gives it meaning." So that was Psychodynamic.
I looked up, startled. I thought Freud had a pessimistic view on human nature! Maybe not. I smiled.
"People often blame their issues on an unhappy childhood. I hope all of you had a happy childhood. But if not - oh well, it's in the past. Get over it!"
I burst out laughing. Agreed. My childhood was terrible but I still came out okay. If I could pull through then so could the rest of the world.
"Behaviorists would say the things you think give meaning to your life are all reinforced. You've been conditioned to believe those things."
Hm.
"...Then there's cognitive override. You can make the conscious decision to ignore certain innate impulses..."
I brightened up. Cognitive override made me happy. Yay! Go free will! That's what will power is all about! You do what you feel is just. You have control over your own life. Okay Sophia? You make your own decisions. You may feel downright crummy right now but you can get over it. Like Ms. Norfleet said, get over it.
"And lastly Humanistic. What gives meaning to your life? That's something you must decide for yourself."
Recalling the components of client-centered therapy: empathy, genuineness, and unconditional postive regard really cheered me up.
"Think about all these things when you go to college, guys," Ms. Norfleet began tying this all back to our own lives. "When my daughter was going through her suicidal phase and would literally not climb out of bed, someone told her to get over it - there were so many other people out there in the world with greater troubles. 'Go out and help someone else who is suffering more than you' the person said. So my daughter did just that. She went out and helped someone in more pain than her. And it worked. She was better. From now on whenever she feels down she remembers that moment and goes out and helps someone."
I looked around the room, wondering if anyone else was as touched as I was.
"Don't be stupid guys. Drink but not to an excess. Someone should put a label on all alcoholic beverages that says 'Warning, consumption of this will make the other sex look a lot more attractive than they actually are.' Please use abstinence. If not, use a condom. Girls, even if you take the pill you're not totally safe. And guys, you're never safe because you don't know if the girl really took the pill or not!"
I started cracking up. Oh Ms. Norfleet.
"Alright, remember all of this and have a good life. Please visit me!" And then Ms. Norfleet, getting slightly emotional, hurried back to her desk.
That's when I remember this was our last Psychology class ever. And I felt all sorts of emotions come over me. It was as if a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Ms. Norfleet probably didn't realize how inspirational all of those words had been to me. They made me remember something important - that even when life looks its dimmest one has to remain positive. In that instance I felt like I could believe again. Get over it. Right. Get over your own sadness. There were so many beautiful things about life. Cute things. Happy things. And if a whole branch of psychology can be dedicated to optimism then that means there is a whole branch of people out there in this great big world who thinks a lot like me!
I will always thank Ms. Norfleet for cheering me up. I had really needed it. A jolt, anything, to snap me out of my depression. Maybe I'll write her a letter or something.
After school I studied with Yvonne. We ended up talking most of the time though. She started telling me about One Tree Hill and these two really cute couples in it. She said the show was so idealistic and gave her so much hope. I thought about how interesting it is that people derive their inspiration from such various sources. She got really passionate as she explained one of the couples and how they were like the PERFECT couple. Her eyes started tearing up and next thing I knew, I was crying into her pillow. And when my tears finally dried I felt a lot better.
I've decided that I shouldn't worry so much about getting hurt. And that I shouldn't guard myself so carefully. And that I shouldn't care about what others do or say. I'm not going to let any of that stuff affect me anymore! I'm just going to live my life and believe what I want to believe and do what I want to do!
And I've decided I still believe in love. I would be blind not to.
- Mood:
hopeful
I've spent so much money on lunch these past couple of weeks. (I've gone out with someone to eat after every exam so far). Also, playing Rock Band with Sarah and Kelsey reminded me that I have no rhythm. Maybe that's why I sympathize with Kyle from South Park...
Anyway, after my English Paper 2 exam, Corey's mom stopped me as I was trying to head out the door.
"You're Miss North Meck right?"
"Er right!"
It's been a long time since anyone's mentioned it, so I had nearly forgotten.
"You did the ribbon dance for the talent part!"
"Yup!"
Her face lit up. "I want you to know, my mother - Corey's grandmother - still talks about that performance!"
"Really?"
"Yes, to this day. She can't get over it. Sometimes when people come over she still likes to repeat the details of the dance. She goes, 'oh I saw the cutest little Asian girl do the most wonderful dance - it went like this...' She always talks about how perfect it was. It makes her smile every time."
"Oh no, the dance wasn't perfect. I got the ribbon caught in my hair!"
"You kept going and that was all that mattered."
I just laughed. "Thanks for telling me about your mom. Hearing that makes me happy!"
"No problem!" Then Corey's mom lowered her tone, "My mother has cancer. We took her out of the nursing home after the diagnosis and she lives with us now. It's almost impossible to get her to leave the house. So seeing her look so happy during your dance...that was a very special moment for us."
My mouth fell open. I stood there, gaping, not knowing what to say. "O-oh. I..."
Next I remember following Brecia outside into the pouring rain and turning to glance back at Corey's mom and saying, "Bye-bye! Thanks!" not sure what I was thanking her for. The story perhaps?
So that I wouldn't get soaked, Connor walked me to my car holding his umbrella over our heads. I thanked him then drove over to where Brecia was standing, and we met Eric at Toast. While I buttered my biscuit I thought about Corey's grandmother and how strange it was that I had unknowingly touched her heart with my silly twirls and twenty-foot long rainbow ribbon. I smiled.
I hope she is doing well.
- Mood: touched
Chris and Yvonne are still here right now haha.
Anyway, I gave my mom her Mother's Day present, which she absolutely loved. She kept kissing the cover of the journal, all happy and shiny-eyed. It's gray and woven and has an Oriental-looking bunny printed on the front. Really cute!
Last night was pretty fun. Prom made me realize how much I'm going to miss everyone. Conversation flowed nonstop at Mickey & Mooch's. I remember laughing a lot. Everyone gave me their leftover food (haha), which I boxed and took with me. Adam got me the cutest corsage! It's sitting on my desk right now. I'm going to keep it forever and ever! His boutonniere was so big we had to use TWO pins to hold it up. Ha.
The decorations were great. Dice balloons, red carpet, blue chocolate fountain, smoothie machines, pretty napkins, plates, and utensils. Exceeded my expectations.
Afterwards we went to Chris Jackson's house and I had cake and ice cream. Yum. Before we left, I went around the room and gave every single person a hug - even the ones I didn't know haha. Will had been like, "Huh? Oh, aw, thanks." LOL. I thought Nick was going to turn away from my hug but he didn't! He actually said "Bye Sophia" in a very nice, friendly tone. And the people who I didn't happen to see ran up to me to get their hugs. I wasn't even close to them, so it was my turn to feel surprised. Still, that moment had made me feel so loved and happy!
It's 12:55 PM now. I took a break from writing and ate the rest of my pasta. It's been an...emotionally exhausting morning. I feel drained.
I was both surprised and happy! I hadn't expected anything at all for Easter because it's not something I really celebrate. This year I also got my first Easter basket from Brecia's mom. That had surprised me a lot too! I can't wait to eat that big Dove chocolate Easter bunny and those yummy-looking jelly beans!
Maybe this is karma - because I was so good for Lent people are rewarding me for my struggles! I wonder if I should give up sweets again next year. My mom says I'm weird and dumb because I'm not even Christian, but I think testing one's willpower is an important factor for...hm...character growth!
- Mood: chipper
Okay, so old friend George wrote on my Facebook wall saying he got into Harvard and Yale and was telling me about how his life was going. I haven't talked to him a long time. He was the real reason why I started trying in school. Before I never studied or listened during class and George used to make me feel like a Chinese failure. So I decided to put in some effort and realized school was extremely easy as long as you did what you were supposed to do.
Anyhow, in the Facebook post he said he was currently playing Ocarina of Time over again. I wrote back a friendly reply and said I preferred Majora's Mask.
Just now I received a notification saying Glen Dawson responded to my wall post - in it he said he thought people who liked Majora's Mask better were stupid.
That did it. I blew up and typed (furiously) a heated comment back saying I thought he was the stupid one, that he had no right to infiltrate my conversation with George, etc...
UGH! I thought after he went off to Chapel Hill that would be the last I'd ever hear from him. So when I saw his Facebook comment I had been both mortified and extremely irritated. It brought back a gust of bad memories.
Let's just say Glen was honestly one of the most arrogant jerks I have ever encountered. On top of that he used to be so mean to me! My old debate partner still has a video clip on her phone that shows him pulling on my curls calling my hair a weave, and me (looking super pissed off) batting his hands away.
He used to say things that would make me feel inferior, like I wasn't a good debater (even though I did just fine), like I was never good enough for anything, and make comments like, "China's stupid. America's the best."
Of course I would try and defend my country.
"Watch, you're going to go back to China and someone's going to rape you because you have big eyes and when you try to have a court hearing no one's going to listen to you because you're a GIRL."
I think that time I had screeched in rage at him...
Every time he used to open his mouth (he had the most annoying voice and he always talked SO fast) my head would start to hurt. A splitting headache - not even joking. My temples would throb until I thought they were about to cave in and I would try (discreetly) to cover my ears in attempts to drown out his voice.
Once I told him this and he had just laughed loudly and yelled in my ear.
I was so glad when summer came and he had graduated. I thought I would never see him again. Then one day as I was going out on the boat with my two favorite seniors back then - Eugene and Bradley - Glen suddenly invited himself and appeared on the lakeshore. I think a little part of me died when I saw him.
There we were, sitting on the top deck of the boat. Glen was prattling away, as always, complimenting everyone else, being nice to everyone else, and totally dissing me.
I can't remember what he had said, but it was something pretty insulting and I suddenly snapped.
"Why are you always so mean to me?" I spat, the hurt evident in my voice.
Everyone grew quiet.
"Sophia," Glen said, all traces of jest leaving his face, his tone, "I'm just trying to toughen you up."
A moment later he was back to his old self, rambling away about something unimportant. I sat there for a long time, looking out at the waves which rippled through the lake, and concentrated on the gentle rocking of the boat, fuming silently and fighting back tears.
Now I wonder if Glen had really meant what he said. But why? I don't see why anyone would purposefully be mean to someone to fulfill a goal like that. He was probably lying anyway. He just wanted to break me down to make himself feel better.
- Mood:
angry
I just got asked to Jay M. Robinson's prom. Too bad it's on the same day as mine. If it weren't for scheduling conflicts, I would be going to four proms this year. Drat.
Oh well, four sounds like it would be a little overwhelming anyway.
- Mood:
blah
Has been good I suppose.
I watched Twilight with Eileen on Friday and we had McDonalds - haven't eaten that in forever. I had forgotten how good their fries are!
Saturday morning I was lying in bed too depressed to even move. I literally spent hours wrapped in covers, drifting in and out of sleep, until Brecia called saying she and her mom were leaving for Richmond in an hour and that I could go with them. Jarred awake by this unexpected turn of events, I leapt out of bed and began throwing things into my suitcase and scrambling around the house trying to get ready.
We stayed at Brecia's mom's boyfriend's apartment. Lucky I'm short otherwise I would have never been able to stretch out on the tiny couch in the living room. Sleep came easy; car rides tend to wear me out.
Brecia and her mom showed me Ukrop's, which is basically Virginia's Harris Teeter. I remember always listening to Brecia exclaim about how great Ukrop's is, and I used to wonder how anyone could possibly obsess over a grocery store. NOW I KNOW WHY! Ukrop's is SO amazing! I will never be able to shop at another Harris Teeter, Food Lion, Lowes, Bi Lo, etc. ever again without feeling a twinge of dissatisfaction.
I really think the highlight of my trip was being able to witness the gloriousness of this grocery store...
I also got to see what the hype about Wawa is all about. Funny name for a gas station/convenience store, huh? Brecia used to exclaim about this place all the time too.
Wawa has its own personalized milkshake machine! I thought that was so cool!
Sunday was great. Sweets, sweets, and more sweets. We went to Krispy Kreme, like Brecia promised, and I had my first ever hot donut. Not only can I not shop at regular grocery stores now, I will never be able to eat another donut without longing for a fresh hot donut from Krispy Kreme...mm.
We ordered two dozen, half assorted and half hot. I had at least five I think.
We also went to Carvel and I got to have soft serve ice cream!
Isn't that thing huge? It's only a kids size too! Because it was so tall I had to eat it bottom up to prevent it from dripping. When we were in Eckerd I noticed people were staring at me funny. At first I didn't understand why and didn't think much of it. Then I glanced down at my ice cream and realized the odd form it had taken the shape of. Long, rod-like...
"SOPHIA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Brecia cried, as we rushed back to the car. "HOW DID YOU GET YOUR ICE CREAM TO LOOK LIKE THAT? IT'S BENT AT THE TOP AND EVERYTHING!"
She also said that she wouldn't let me go to the mall until I fixed the shape...
We did a lot of shopping in Richmond. The two malls we went to were both open-air and really pretty. We also went to Carrytown, which is sort of like Davidson but bigger, weirder, and more French.
There were French flags everywhere. French bakeries, restaurants, shops, people...
At night we went to the Byrd Theatre and watched two movies back to back - The Reader and Slumdog Millionaire. Tickets are only two dollars there and the inside is breathtaking. It's set up like an old theatre.
We came back Tuesday night and shortly after Eileen whisked me off to go sing karaoke. A bunch of people were there. I didn't know any of them except for Adam. I was really tired by then and I think part of me was half-asleep.
So that's the gist of how my spring break has been. I can't wait for the Death Cab for Cutie concert this Thursday! I'm so excited!
- Mood: tired
I thought he had changed, but he's still the same as before.
And this morning he reminded me of all the reasons why I can't stay here.
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